This past weekend, I was perusing the sugary selections at Northwest Sweets in Portland, Oregon, when I came across this gem of marketing and couldn’t help but laugh — and take a picture, of course:

Nooooo the carbon dioxide

It’s never funny when you have to explain the joke, but I will anyway in case you aren’t already laughing.

The name is amusing because of the urban legend surrounding the simultaneous consumption of Pop Rocks and soda (especially Coke):  that eating them both at the same time will cause your stomach to explode and kill you.  The popular version of this states that Mikey of “Mikey likes it!” Life cereal fame was the one to suffer this gruesome fate.

Of course, it’s entirely untrue, and the Pop Rocks and Coke combo will do nothing worse than give you the most amazing belches — but the legend persists to this day, and this is a great tongue-in-cheek nod to this classic childhood dare.

Check out the capers of the “Violent crime duo caught on video” — aka the Abominable Snowman and Winnie the Pooh:

That Winnie The Pooh sure is a violent one.

Look, I get that the photo is of the holiday display that was vandalized as referenced in the story — but maybe an “after” photo would have been more appropriate?  Because now all I can picture is Winnie The Pooh drunk on honey, knocking over convenience stores and yelling obscenities.  Which, admittedly, is funny.

I’d also like to point out that this was brought to my attention by my father — an engineer himself for more than 35 years.

If it’s good enough for him and the industries he’s worked in — and no, I’m not telling you in order to protect the guilty — it’s good enough for me and you.

My legal department says not to take responsibility for you actually using this, by the way

Just a regular guy

Not a day goes by where we aren’t bombarded with ads implying if we don’t poop every day, we’re “irregular,” cute cartoon bears encouraging us to wipe with toilet paper that is apparently made from angel wings and concentrated happiness, and products that keep poop contained — for those both too young and too old to do so.

Let’s face it — we’re crazy (in more ways than one) about poop. Even the word itself is funny. Poop. Poooooop.

But for those moments when acting like a 12 year old and giggling at the idea of pooping just isn’t quite enough, here are some fun alternative terms for defecation. Enjoy — if that’s the right word for it.

1. Bake brownies
2. Bomb Porcelanistan
3. Burial at sea
4. Captain’s log
5. Code Brown
6. Commit yourself to the dumpatorium
7. Download brownware
8. Drop a deuce
9. Drop the kids off at the pool
10. El Diablo
11. Fertilize the lawn
12. Fire in the hole
13. Give birth to a food baby
14. Hangin’ With Mr Pooper
15. Launch a brown missile
16. Lay some cable
17. Logout
18. Make a deposit
19. Make a grunt sculpture
20. Pinch a loaf
21. Push brown
22. Release the chocolate hostage
23. Release the hounds
24. Ride the porcelain bus
25. Send a fax
26. Sink the Bismarck
27. Stock the pool with brown trout
28. Take the Browns to the Superbowl
29. The Hunt for Brown October
30. Touching cloth
31. Unload the brown cargo

Since we like to give you something to look at while you’re pulled over, here are some amusing signs we found on our journey through the intertubes.

Don’t forget your seat cover.

This should really be printed on -- well, every consumer device, actually.

...and then used to top the next customer's delicious nachos.

I'm no expert, but I think you transposed a couple letters when writing "Shih Tzu." But with a name like Raisin, maybe I'm wrong.

I know it's supposed to be a stick figure, but I always laugh before calling 911 anyway.

"One... two... FIVE." "Three, sire." "THREE."

Now that the TSA has determined your underwear is not a security threat, take a moment to recombobulate yourself. (This can be found at the airport in Milwaukee, Wisconsin)

I'm sorry, what was that address again?

However, if you’re looking to describe your next stomach-emptying escapade with a little more elan, then consider choosing an option from the following list of more than 30 euphemisms, lovingly compiled by your OYT editorial staff — right before lunch, I might add.

The top puke-emisms

1. Acid chowder
2. The big spit
3. Blowing chunks
4. Blowing my groceries
5. Chow shower
6. Decorate the pavement
7. Dialing Ralph on the porcelain phone
8. Dishonorable discharge
9. Driving the porcelain bus
10. Doing the dinner catch-and-release
11. Giving an oral sacrifice at the altar of the Porcelain God
12. Having an out-of-stomach experience
13. Having a Roman after-dinner mint
14. Hugging the bowl
15. Launching lunch
16. Making the chunky puddle
17. Making a puke pizza, with everything on it
18. My dinner is coming up to say hello
19. Painting the town green
20. Praying to the porcelain god
21. Releasing the hounds
22. Reviewing today’s menu
23. Riding the Regurgitron
24. Spray-painting the carpet
25. The Technicolor yawn
26. Throwing it into reverse
27. Tossing your cookies/tacos
28. Unswallowing
29. Uploading lunch
30. Venting my stomach
31. Vurping
32. Yelling down the porcelain manhole
33. 3-D burping

Got a favorite you don’t see here? Post it in the comments!

From the “Making a Major Motion Picture Out of a Board Game [*cough*Battleship*cough*] Just Wasn’t Enough” department:

Oh god please tell me they're getting Michael Bay to direct it

From the “Twenty Years Later, Rodney King Is Still Right” department:

Thankfully, no one likes to play "billy club, taser, handcuffs."

From the “Well, That’s Not Exactly Fair” department:

That's okay, The Thing always loses to Mister Fantastic anyway.

From the “Crudely-drawn characters” department:

Buttercup could have told them that wouldn't work

And finally, from the “International Relations” department:

If only it had been that easy.

Horse nonsense

There are approximately 2.7 billion name generators on the internetwebs, and here is another.

If you have ever wondered what your racehorse name would be, The Baltimore Sun has you covered — all in honor of the Preakness. Just answer the simple question — you can pick from several different ones — and hit the “Calculate Name” button and voilà — you are now known to the world as Medium Rare Magic, winner of the Triple Crown of silliness. Get your racehorse name here.

Our names? Lemon Drop Dancer and She Loves You A La Mode.

My life has a superb cast… but I can’t figure out the plot.
 

The unlikeable main character

Even though it technically wasn’t cheating, she dumped me anyway! So I tell Bret, and he’s like “She sounds just like my crazy ex.” And I was like, “Dude, what was her name?” and it was the same girl. I swear, if they made my life into a movie, no one would believe it.

Yeah, though mostly because of the poorly-written dialogue and unlikeable main character.

Graphic 2 thanks to xkcd!

Once upon a time, in a decade far, far away, if you wanted to listen to music, read a book, watch a movie, record a video, listen to the radio, use a calculator, or make a phone call — and be prepared to do it all at once, you’d look like this guy:

Now, of course, you just carry it all in your pocket:

As totally rad as that guy in the first photo looks, and as much as I have a fondness for the 1980s — I’ll take the modern option, thanks.

What a difference 30 years makes.